Dr. Doherty believes that a marriage counselor cannot be neutral. An effective marriage counselor must be an advocate for marriage. "A good therapist, a brave therapist, will be the last one in the room to give up on [y]our marriage."
Effective marriage counselors should also be professionally trained for marriage counseling and must be competent working with couples, not just individuals.
Dr. Doherty says couples should ask a counselor what percentage of couples they work with end up resolving their problems and staying married to each other. (A good average is 70%.) Doherty cautions couples to avoid counselors who do not think staying together is a measure of success, or who separate the good of the individuals from the good of their marriage.
What to Expect From a Marriage Counselor
Most married couples don't know what to expect from a marriage counselor. This list includes some of the qualities and actions that researchers have found promote effective marital therapy.
[Adapted from Take Back Your Marriage by William J. Doherty (The Guilford Press, 2001)]
A Checklist for Counselors
Couples have a right to know what a counselor thinks about their role in the counseling process. You might politely ask a potential counselor to indicate how he or she feels about the following statements before you decide to begin counseling.
Strongly Strongly Agree Disagree I am not neutral about marriage and divorce. I am an advocate for marriage. I work with energy and dedication to help people succeed in their current relationship. I help clients understand the possible consequences of their marital decisions for their children, extended families, and communities. I recognize that not all marriages can or ought to be saved, especially when there is a risk of physical, emotional or sexual abuse. If clients eventually decide to divorce, I work with them to lessen the damage to everyone involved, to create a viable parenting-partnership if they have children, and to prevent another divorce in the future. I believe that religious conviction can be a positive component of a person's marital commitment.
If you're looking for a community of people who care about your marriage, and are willing to support and encourage your commitment to marriage, ask your pastor or director of religious education about First Tuesday. First Tuesday is a support and enrichment program for married couples sponsored by Catholic parishes in Waterloo and Cedar Falls. It meets monthly at Blessed Sacrament Parish.